Thanks for reading! I can’t even tell you how happy it makes me to see that I have almost 500 views! The messages i’ve received bring the BIGGEST smile to my face and I hope i’m truly assisting others in their journey with grief. My writing is raw, and me. I hope people who are struggling can find comfort in my honesty. It’s not easy, but it’s only just beginning. Please SHARE via social media.. I want this to get out to people who need it. anndd…. just a heads up, my post in my eyes this week is a bit on the unorganized side. It describes perfectly where i’m at and how my mind is working this week. 

Roller coaster, two words that can accurately describe the past month and a bit of my life. I have been happy enough to touch the sky and sad enough to sink into the earth. Adapting to the various changes on different levels has proven to be a ongoing challenge for myself. Watching someone have such extreme highs and lows you would question their sanity and in my case I would likely self-diagnose them with bi-polar. Apparently, this is completely normal. It is normal to feel every fucking emotion on the spectrum. Feeling psychotic is the norm? Which brings me to the title; what the fuck is this?

What isn’t commonly discussed in grief is the actual toll it takes on the mind and body. When it was griefs time to say hello, I was unaware that I would be saying goodbye to my memory, ability to concentrate, my ability to control my emotions, my immune system and my energy. I am extremely fortunate to have a doctor and a counsellor who see me weekly and assist me in my journey. They reassure me that everything i’m going through is completely normal. They’ve reminded me it’s normal to have the emotional capability and memory capacity of a child.

The first month after my mums passing I kept myself busy. I dealt with what needed to be done and contacted everyone. I signed more paperwork then I thought trees could produce. Almost two months later, things still come up out of the blue that need to be done. I had days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I tried hot yoga which deserves a blog post all on its own. I attempted to adjust to my new life. I found comfort in the people I kept close with and Netflix. I was doing good, I was going to go start working again.

The day of my mums celebration of life, it all became real. My mum was no longer on vacation anymore. Every emotion that i’d been running from surfaced. Everyone was hugging me, touching me and saying all these words that sounded like sweet nothings. I had an anxiety attack as it hit me that my mum was no longer on vacation. I hid behind doors and collapsed into the grass outside as my tears became waterfalls and my breath was uncatchable. It became clear to me at that point that I no longer had control over my emotions and my body that day. I remember screaming to myself that I can’t do it, I can’t get through this day. My closest friends sheltered me with love and it was then when I gained the courage to get up.

I know my body quite well and knew that after my mums celebration of life it was likely I was going to face plant into a hurricane of emotions that i’d been running from. I was correct (as always) and my grief started gaining control and overcoming the positives in my life. I feel like all the progress I made is null and void and here I am, worst then where I had started. The fact that i’m feeling anger which is a stage of grief shows me that i’m progressing.

I’m fucking pissed off. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I no longer have a mum. I don’t want to deal with the symptoms that are difficult to manage. I’m done battling my demons. I’m 23 years old. My mum is not going to be there for the rest of the milestones in my life. I disgust the people who have a mum and do not appreciate her. I’m angry that no one is going to make me feel like the best thing to ever happen to this world on my birthday in November. I have no mother to wake up when i’m drunk and emotional in the early hours of the morning. I’m angry that Christmas morning i’ll wake up alone and no one to force a hot chocolate with zambuca and baileys down my throat at 9 AM. I’m angry at the Christmas decorations that seem to be invading every.single.store. It takes every bit of energy I have not throw the decorations on the ground and step on them.

I also want to let you know that i’m still lost, and I likely will be for a long time. I was able to reaffirm my love for live music this week. I saw Florence and the Machine and was captivated by her ability to flow across the stage like a leaf in the wind. Her music has always touched my soul and has gotten me through extremely difficult times in my life. I also got my nose pierced. For those of you who don’t know me, I am scared of needles so this was a big thing for me. I’m also a hypochondriac with a touch of germaphobia and i’m extremely scared of infections that can be caused.

Can’t wait to touch base next week. Hopefully in a more organized fashion.
 Thank you SO much for all your support.

xxx, Cassandra