If you haven’t read “About Cassandra” it describes my blog and what you can expect. I thought for my first post I would provide insight on how I got to this point. Thanks for checking it out. I’m so excited to share my journey with you all!

I grew up never unsure of how loved I was, a highly competitive dancer, and if you ask my best friend she’d say a tom boy who wore make up. My parents separated when I was in the fifth grade and my mum and I moved to Langley. I continued to grow up, graduate and worked numerous different jobs until starting my career.

My mum and I were best friends. As much as I wanted to kick her in the box sometimes, I could go to her no matter what. In September 2007 my mum was diagnosed with end stage kidney failure. I remember her coming home and her telling me she had surgery the next day to get a catheter placed in her chest to start dialysis within the week. From that moment on, my life had changed. At 17 years old hearing that my mum will require a machine to live felt catastrophic. I could not fathom the thought that I might not have a mother soon. My workaholic, vibrant, mother wasn’t going to be filled with that zest she had.

Over the course of the past six years being fully present and a main caretaker of my mother through her journey my mental health and immune system started to slip. I was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I was constantly battling with myself in an attempt to balance my mums illness, my mental and physical health, a social life and a full time work schedule. My body started to crash. I was constantly sick, depressed and anxious.

My mums journey was never easy. She was hospitalized numerous times due to serious infections, blood clots and other illness’. She was eligible for a transplant and we had a living donor when they discovered a spot on her lung. After it was biopsied it was discovered to be cancer, no treatment was necessary as they were able to remove it all. It was at that moment when they informed us she would have to be in remission (cancer free) for two years. That day, the clock started ticking. She was approved for a transplant, again, and the search was on a for a living donor. The wait list in BC for my mums blood type was seven years, thats right, seven fucking years. ARE YOU A REGISTERED ORGAN DONOR? We were lucky enough to find another living donor, where they then discovered the spot on my mums lung was back, and multiplied. We met with the Oncologist (a doctor specializing in cancer) who determined it was Stage 4 and untreatable. She was to go for CT scans every four to six months depending on her symptoms.

In July 2015 we met with the Oncologist who advised that the cancer was growing and it was spreading, but still untreatable. Chemotherapy was an option for symptom management but it would likely only add approximately three months to my mums life and she would have only a few feel good days through the process. He told her she had six to nine months to live. We knew mums illness had progressed, but were not expecting that news. Unfortunately time was not on our side, and her illness progressed rapidly. She no longer had an appetite and she could no longer walk. As per my mums request, I checked her into hospital on August 12, 2015.

I was not oblivious to the fact that my mum was going to pass. I took time off work and spent every day for a month at the hospital and then the hospice. I knew she stopped dialysis, and I knew she had end stage cancer. For those who don’t know, once you stop dialysis your body becomes poisoned from all he toxins which in my mums case put her into a coma. She was comfortable and she knew it was coming and she wasn’t scared.

When I got the phone call from the nurse that my mum was on her last breaths on September 9, 2015 at 10:00 AM. My heart dropped, my world stopped and I panicked. I got in my car immediately and drove to the hospice. I was crying, screaming while grasping the Pandora “mother/daughter” charm she got for me, begging her to please be alive when I arrived. I wanted to be there for her, I didn’t want her to face this journey alone. She wanted her best friend and I to be there for her. We held her hands and we laughed as she took her last breath. My mum was gone. Her contagious laugh and vibrant, fierce spirit was no longer in that body.

From that moment, I have been attempting and struggling to find my way again. My mum was apart of every decision I had made since she was sick, she was apart of my life every single day. It’s been a struggle to deal with “grief” as not a lot of people my age understand it. I hope that they don’t have to understand it for a long time as that would mean they’ve lost a great love. Aware of my struggle with mental illness, my doctor was worried on how I would cope after loss and wanted to place me on medication. I declined the medication and in that moment I decided I needed to experience every single emotion that is going to become present during the grieving process. Some days are fantastic, others are miserable. There are days when I don’t get out of bed, there are days when the last thing I want to do is go to bed. I work with my counsellor and doctor weekly to ensure that i’m coping to an “ideal standard”.

I created this blog for others to follow my journey as I find myself again. I also hope to help others in their fight with grief, mental health and life. I want to make people aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, although it might appear dim at times. I want to make others laugh while telling the story of my newest adventure. I want to wipe expectations away. I want someone to be able to find comfort when they’ve read i’ve had a shit day, or i’ve lost a pound. I want people to feel like their not alone. I have no idea who I am. Join me as I try new things, accomplish goals, stay in bed, climb mountains, learn, eat, travel and love!

CHEERS! Thanks again for reading! If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me. I can’t wait to post next week!
xoxo, Cassandra

HERE IS THE LINK TO REGISTER AS AN ORGAN DONOR: https://register.transplant.bc.ca