This is my public service announcement for everyone who has asked how i’m doing this holiday season. It’s evident it’s going to be my least favourite Christmas, ever. I miss my mum more than I could ever imagine and more often then not I think she is still with us. Here is what I would really like to say to everyone when they ask “how are you doing?”

I’m busy, stressed and overwhelmed. I range from tears of joy and love to tears of sadness and pain. I’ve been in a cluster of my own emotions which is well, exhausting.

I put my townhouse on the market in Maple Ridge and have been blessed with the best real estate agent. She has gone above and beyond. I also purchased a townhouse and thought it would be ideal to move in before Christmas and furnish it. I have determined I am crazy and do not know what I was thinking. Purchasing my first home was bittersweet. The first person I went to call was my mum. I have yet to remove her from the favourite contacts in my iPhone.

I returned to work, on a gradual return to work. I’m blessed. My colleagues are the most understanding, loving people. I even consider some of them my best friends. I love them and I am thankful for them.

I still go to text and call my mum, I still search her on Facebook. It’s then that it hits me like a brick to the head. It is the cruelest, most visual reality check I have ever received. You would assume that after three months after losing someone I would become fully aware of the fact that she is gone. My uneducated guess is that my mind is protecting me as in that moment when I think my mum is still here the pain doesn’t hurt. I try anything to help ground myself in these moments. I shake my head, stomp my feet and focus on a deep breath to keep myself in the present. As much as my mind forgets that i’ve lost my treasure, I need to remember that I have. By remembering I can move on in my healing process.

The holidays are coming which has put me in a holy-daze. I anticipated Christmas being a difficult time for me and I would ride the waves of emotions. I was reminded by my doctor that family is who you make it, get over the “we don’t share blood” aspect. There are people who love you more then your blood, cherish them and spend time with them as they make you feel good.

It wasn’t until I was decorating with family I hold dearly to my heart until I recognized that I had begun another step of my grieving process. I felt guilty. I’ve been told guilt is apart of the grieving process. I did everything I could for my mum. I loved her whole heartedly, I made her aware how much I appreciated her, I cared for her. Why would I feel guilty? I took a step back and analyzed the emotions overtaking me. I was guilty for not being fully present in the moments I shared with my mum. I did not provide her my full attention nor did I give her the appreciation she deserved. I took for granted the moments and time I was given with my mum. Never did I think that Christmas of 2014 was the last time I would wake up to mum blaring “A Mariah Carey Christmas”, or mum sneaking into my room and placing my stocking on my bed. She would force the cat to open her gifts and we all sat around the tree as a family of three. I am a family of one now. I was so selfish and blind to how blessed and loved I was.

I created this reminder for myself: “Presence is the present.”

This year I am eliminating the possibility for guilt in future loss. I’m challenging myself and all of you to be present over the holidays, even when it’s difficult. Appreciate the gift of time, life, love, family and the ability to be present in the moment. Take photographs but put away your phone. Appreciate the moment.

I’m wishing you all the merriest Christmas. I hope it is filled with love and joy.

Cassandra xxx

 

me in front of my new home!