Sorry for the late post, and well, really lack of posts lately! I provided some insight into my headspace lately. Thanks for reading. The messages I get provide me meaning and bring a smile to my face. Ready or not.. Here my mind comes…!
I hit the two month mark last week and days this month have become increasingly difficult. I’ve watched my motivation slip. I’ve been hard on myself as my grief surfaced. Until this month I have been running from my grief and putting it aside. I was cheating on my grieving process with things that kept my mind occupied. My homework from my counsellor was to “confront” grief when it comes, and to sit here and deal with the emotions. This to me is torture, I mean, who really wants to sit there while you suffer?
My grief surfaces and so does the storm of emotions. As torturing as it is, it grounds me. I’m reminded that there are days when the sadness is going to overcome my ability to move forward. I’ve spent days moping around the house. I have had no motivation or drive to do anything. I cry uncontrollably where I grasp for breath, but my lungs don’t fill with air. My anxiety is at an all time high where i’m physically sick to my stomach. I’m exhausted. The pain feels unbearable at the best of times. I have no control over my body as it fights to regain control while battling the storm.
I am the first out of my friend group to lose a mum. It creates challenges for me as a lot of my friends don’t understand depression and anxiety, not to mention grief. People don’t understand how debilitating mental health can make you. I’ve been plagued by questions like “Why don’t you just get up and do something?”, or statements such as “You don’t need to feel like this.”. The really bitchy me would like to respond why don’t you shut the fuck up. I have to stop and remind myself that they do not understand and I cannot expect them to. Me expecting them to understand is just as ignorant as I feel their comments can be. I love my friends more then anything and am extremely blessed for the effort they do make. I keep in mind that even if someone did lose their mum, every situation is unique and everyone grieves differently. So to have the expectation that someone can understand completely is meaningless.
I believe a large portion of my anxiety comes with the big “first” i’m dreading. My birthday is on Sunday, I turn 24 (shout out to my fellow cusp babies – i’m a scorpio/sagittarius) . Everyone has always made fun of me because I admire birthdays and mine so much. No, it’s not “just a birthday” to me. My mum would always make such a big deal about my special day, after all, who wouldn’t want to celebrate another year of being alive. My stomach twists into knots thinking about the fact that i’m not going to ring in 24 with my mum. I’m not going to hear her voice singing me happy birthday or poking fun at my age. I want to share my accomplishments and my future goals with my coach, my mamaceeta. The thought of this hits hard and makes my mind race uncontrollably.
Yes, I acknowledge how overly obnoxious and self involved I sound describing my sincere, deep love for the day thats all about me.
My goals as a Twenty-Four year old:
travel (i’m headed to Europe)
buy my new home
be the happiest, healthiest me
meditate daily
write weekly
fall in love with as many things possible
try something new every month
I hope to accomplish every single one of these before the clock strikes 12 on November 21, 2016. I’ve already made steps towards my goals. I plan to leave for Europe on April 25 as long as i’m in my new home, which i’m looking for currently! Setting goals gives me something to look forward to. FYI: Snowboarding is on my list for December and i’m looking for a teacher!!!
I’m headed to Whistler for the weekend with a group of my closest girlfriends for some rest and relaxation. Good food, good wine and good company is what the doctor ordered. Surrounding yourself with love is chicken soup for the soul. Regardless if they understand my craziness or not, their mine and I love them. The picture below is from my friends aunts cabin at Green Lake in Whistler.. I loved waking up to the swans, ducks and other birdies! The view is okay, I guess 😉
life by cassandra 